Yeah, this time of year is pretty crummy for many people but for the first time in a long, long time I’m feeling very happy. I’ve even started mailing off some Christmas cards.  I’m not sure exactly what pieces of my puzzle moved into place to help me to feel fulfilled and happy right now, but whatever they are and however they moved I’m very grateful!

Only someone who has suffered from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD and phobias can really understand what it is like to weather through the onslaught of all the happiness and cheer that is tossed around this time of year. It can be really painful physically as well as emotionally.  Tonight as my husband and I were watching a French flick and both dogs were curled up on either side of me with a roaring fire in the background, in the middle of feeling all happy and grateful, I had a very quick flash of remembering how afraid and totally alone I felt–definitely when I was living on my own before we got married and sometimes even during those blue depression times long after.

Something we humans don’t talk with each other about a whole lot about how durn scary and sad it can be sometimes as we are traversing through this life of ours.  Even when the sun is out and warm through the shirt on our back, we can still have times of feeling as if the world could care or less about us.  It’s as if we were standing on the outside of the snow globe of life looking in and knocking loudly but nobody can hear.   When you’re feeling blue and/or afraid then people around you acting all  happy can feel especially jarring or grating.  When I first began seeing a therapist years ago to finally confront the depression and anxiety that I had been walking around with for so long, I described the way I felt to her in that my life felt like I was walking around inside of a B-rated horror movie. Nothing felt good. Everything hurt or was scary at some level and in some way.  Thank God that within a very short while of talking things over with her, I began to feel a release inside of me that had been gripping my heart and stomach which allowed for me to see and experience some good things in my world at least some of the time.  I didn’t always feel it and there were many days and weeks when it was all I could do to show up for work and then come home to curl up with my dog and cat and watch television until blessed sleep took over.  But I kept pressing on. I had remembered sparkles of feeling good when I was younger and I was determined to feel that way again. I was not going to let this dark cloud have control over my life and I was willing to go to therapy every day for however long it took  if that is what it would take for me to get better.

Today, I’m grateful to report that many of the pathways I began years ago towards helping myself get better such as therapy and various 12-step programs to address addiction and spiritual/religious programs to expand my understanding of God, all of these helped me to release the bondage of the past so that I could live in the peace of today.

The good news about feeling blue is it means you’re sensitive which means that just as you can feel the fear and sadness about your life, you can also feel the beauty and joy.  It’s such a bitter sweet thing to be human.  I’ve written before about a memory I had one day while I was driving through Zilker park which is located down by the river here in Austin.  I pretended that I was talking to an angel and I asked this angel why we humans have to feel so much pain and the angel began asking me if I even understand how truly miraculous it was to be human.  He said that in the world where he lives, he cannot feel the intense beauty of the heart, soul and flesh in the way we do here on Earth and went on to say that even the most searing experience that breaks our heart is achingly beautiful to those on the other side.

Well, I don’t know if I was really talking with an angel or if all my egos (Id, super, etc.) were creatively working out my quandary to help me find peace….but I did feel better after looking at my life as if I was seeing and feeling it through an angel.  Everything became that much sweeter when I thought of my life in that way.  I still remember how beautiful the sun looked glinting off the leaves of the trees as I drove down the street having this conversation in my head.  That’s how I feel this Christmas/Hannukah/Solstice season….very peaceful and with a simmer of happiness.  It’s not a manic excitement or tipping point joy but rather a very subtle feeling of hope and wonder.

I invite you to write me your comments about how you feel this time of year (even if you don’t celebrate any of the holidays happening now).   Would really love to hear from you

Surely you’ve heard of a Doodle?  I’m not talking about the the kind of doodle you draw, no, I’m talking about the dog!!  There’s all kinds of Poodle mixes that are Doodles.  The most commonly known mix are the Labradors and Poodles or the Golden Retrievers and Doodles.  You can go to http://www.doodlerescuecollective.com/ to find all kinds of Doodles looking for homes who are located in the United States.

I fell in love upon first sight with a rescue-Doodle over lunch at a local restaurant the other day.  Now, most people who know me know that I am an animal lover. But being an animal lover doesn’t mean that I fall instantly in-love with every animal I see nor does it mean that I want to take every animal home with me. Then there are those special animals that you just instantly feel a bond and connection.  Many years ago, I strong-armed a good friend of mine into giving me a Cairn Terrier puppy that she had rescued off of the streets of Mexico.  My friend had named her “Breakfast” because they had happened upon her and some litter mates after a hard evening of tequila drinking and hungry for some…well…you know…breakfast.

all this to admit to you that in my past when it came to falling in love with a critter (much less a boyfriend), I pretty much would do anything to bring them into my world.  Fast forward to today and I have a loving husband, two great cats and two great dogs.  I certainly don’t have any unmet needs happening in the animal sector of my life.  But there we were sitting in the cafe minding our own business when a movement caught my peripheral vision and I saw a fairly good sized dog, probably 80 pounds maybe 90, with longish hair that was multi-colored with brown, dove-grey and blonde plus she had bushy eyebrows and whiskers!   There was something about her countenance though that got my attention.    Shortly after I spotted her, one of the ladies sitting across from our table got up and went outside to meet her too….so it wasn’t just me!

I resumed eating and conversation with my family and tried to think nothing of her again but just as we were leaving, I listened to that voice in me suggesting that I go out on the patio and meet the dog.   Having dabbled with animal communication over the years, I’m fairly certain that she was beaming us vulnerable humans inside to see whose interest she could catch.  She walked right up to me very calmly and I asked her human-mom if I could meet her.  Her mom told me that her name was “Leah” and that she was a Black Labrador/Poodle mix.  She is not even two years old which blew me away because she was so calm and very present.  If dogs meditate, this one surely does.  Very Ommmmm-ish.  And happy. And curious. But not putting herself on you.  If her mom hadn’t been so nice, in another life I probably would have tried to walk away with her, but she was obviously happy and cared for very well.  Now instead of fantasizing about some guy other than my husband, I have pictures of the Leah-dog floating in my head.

My husband and I have always adopted from the pound or rescue (except for Buckwheat our Golden who was “gifted” to us).    Our “Reality” (Black Lab) is getting on in age so we know that sometime down the road we’ll be looking for a new litter mate for the Paul-dog plus we need to give Re-Re time to relax in her retirement years.  You probably have guessed that I’m going to lean heavily on us considering Doodle Rescue.

Leah’s mom tried to do the right thing by telling me about the plight of “designer-breeds” such as the Lab/Poodle and the demise that many of the dogs find themselves in when the humans don’t like them for whatever reason but I couldn’t bear to hear another story confirming for me how dense we humans can sometimes be.  Nevertheless, I was glad that she told me about Doodle Rescue and made me aware of Leah’s story.

I secretly think that Leah is an “angel-ambassador” for Doodles everywhere., but I suspect there are more “Leah’s” out there to be experienced so dear readers my suggestion for you is to keep your antennae up and your heart open because who knows, you just might find yourself falling in love with a Doodle.

Wow! What a great hour I got to spend today interviewing prominent teacher of healing and shamanism, Llyn Roberts, on today’s BTR Hope42Day.  Llyn joined us back in September 2011 for a half-an-hour interview and there was so much to delve into that she came back to spend more time talking about her most recent book, “Shapeshifting Into Higher Consciousness” and living well today.

One of the gems that I pulled from today’s conversation with Llyn Roberts is that all of us, all…of…us, can access our guides/angels/God/wisdom/love all the time.   The chapter on “Shapeshifting With Nature” drew me to it because of my deep love of nature.  She writes about how “although oneness with the natural world is innate to indigenous cultures, imbalances result when societies lose this perspective”.  She goes on to say that, “Equilibrium can be restored by embracing more whole values and by coming back into rhythm with our heart, our body, and our planet.” Llyn writes about the Maya “whose prophesies are in the public eye due to the popularization of the Mayan Calendar” and that the Mayans are “masters of cosmic awareness.  In the early part of this century a plethora of literature has been circulated about 2012 and the Mayan Calendar. Yet, often less focused upon the Maya’s deep attunement with the earth.   The lands of ancient Guatemala have endured earthquakes and volcanic eruptions spanning centuries. Because of this, when visiting sacred sites and walking through the jungle of Tikal, Maya Elders ask that we pay as much attention to the pyramids that are submerged, as those we see.  There are hidden spiritual structures beneath Lake Atitlan.  These, we learn, influence human consciousness and effect the waters.”

In the interview today, Llyn talked about the process of writing her book and using all her guides, experiences and wisdom (my words).  I can definitely feel the energy pulsing through the pages and it’s almost like a mini-video flips open in my brain so that I can “see” what Llyn is talking about. While reading this chapter about nature and the Mayan peoples, I can “see” the Mayans who I have met during my many visits to Mexico.  I’m always drawn to the Mayans and find myself  wanting to sit near them and just be.

I was also reminded today that we can connect with nature no matter where we are in the world, yes, even in the middle of Manhattan or Shanghai.  I haven’t been to Shanghai yet, but I’ve visited Manhattan several times.  On my first trip to the famous New York City, I was really anxious because I had never been in such a dense mass of human beings with so much concrete in my life! I remember my husband running ahead of me on the streets trying to find a tree for me to hug or a pigeon to point out.  We finally did find a fairly young tree with a very narrow trunk but I wrapped my arms around it nevertheless. It felt so good!   A few years later I attended a conference in NYC and was also in the middle of training for a marathon so I got to do an eight mile run through Central Park.  It was gorgeous!!  Where there is a will there is a way to find your grounding in nature.  No matter what, there is always the sky.

Whether you are shapeshifting to higher consciousness or simply walking barefoot on this Earth (thank you Barefoot Sensei, Mick Dodge), you can always connect with the natural world around you and feel the loving heart of Mother Earth no matter what is going on in your life.  As many of us (in the Western world especially) head into the holidays that can often make us just a wee bit jittery if not crazy, take a break during the day and walk with bare feet on the Earth, it will do your soul good!

A few years back when I was a technical recruiter, we’d get a few consultants who had been around for awhile and weren’t keen on giving away much information on themselves. One guy refused to give out his social security number.   At that time, I remember having empathy for them and respect for their privacy but I didn’t think much more about it. Except, of course, when their requests hindered me from being able to do my job (like turn in paperwork to prove they were U.S. Citizens, etc.) and then I thought of them as pains in my glutemous.

It rained most of the day today which gave my hubby and I a great reason to hunker down and watch movies. One of them was “Erasing David“  which is documentary about privacy, surveillance and the database state.   Having grown up in a household with a father who had a job with, shall we say, “the government”….I felt that the main character of the documentary sure did a lousy job of trying not to be found for 30 days (he was found after 18).  For one thing, he threw away basic documents such as bus and train tickets that any good investigator would find after going through his trash.

The documentary did ask a good question to make us ponder about just how much information we put out there on a daily basis that can be used to invade our privacy.  Not to mention how we live fairly transparent lives in the online world where many of us ignore the fact that people, artificial intelligence, and search engines are collecting all kinds of data on us all the time and storing it for future use.  Hope I’m not making you paranoid but rather helping you to think about what kind of information you’re giving and who is using it.

As much as I want to be recognized for my writing and things I do to try to help make this world a better place, there is also a part of me who understands how vulnerable we all are by revealing so much of ourselves and hoping for the best.  I’m grateful we didn’t have access to the internet, texting or social networks when I was younger because I know I would have left very inappropriate blueprints of myself all over the place. Besides, it did my soul good to find relief by staring at the clouds floating by overhead instead of texting or dropping down the rabbit hole to find relief from my teenage anxt.

Anyway, as you can see the paranoid side of my brain got stimulated today!  I do have just a little bit more empathy for friends of mine who live very public lives and crave their privacy, especially those who are married to spouses who scramble for the spotlight.

If you could get lost and go anyplace in the world today, where would you go and why? (hypothetically speaking of course!)

If you have anxiety attacks, constant low-grade anxiety and/or bouts of panic attacks (with mine I usually either feel like I am going to lose absolutely lose control and go crazy or die) then you can probably guess that scuba diving may not be the best choice of sports for someone like us to partake in, especially since shooting up to the top after a deep dive of 60 feet or more for 45 minutes or so would definitely cause your lungs to pop.

Well, I love scuba diving so much that I have been determined to find a way to be able to dive in spite of anxiety.  My panic attacks and anxiety began years ago after a weekend of heavy partying when the recreational drug I’d been doing decided to rip through my brain and disarm any defense mechanisms, doubts, worries and fears I was harboring. The good thing about it, was that I got scared enough about losing my mind that I got my butt into therapy. The bad news about it was the endless days, weeks and months of anxiety and panic attacks.  When I began having them it was at a time that medicine and therapy did not have much to offer unless you were psychotic or needed intense levels of valium of which I was neither.

Fast forward a couple of decades, log a bunch of therapy, getting sober, learning meditation techniques, all kinds of healing and Reiki treatments and I was able to enjoy long expanses–even years–of no anxiety or panic attacks. In 2000, my husband and I got certified in scuba diving and began going on regular diving trips almost immediately.  I loved the feeling of freedom that I got from swimming in the ocean. The fish, coral, sponges and marine life were hypnotizing. I was hooked.  Then a series of things happened while on diving trips from 9/11 to my best little Cairn Terrier friend dying when we were away on a trip and out of nowhere my old friend the Panic Attack came out of nowhere. In fact, I was on a dive at the Palancar Reefs in Cozumel about 75 feet under water when the first panic attack hit me.  It was so not fun.  Pretty soon thereafter, every other dive would end up with me having a panic attack.

Again, I went back to therapy and healings and have been on a very healthy eating program that involves no flour, sugar, caffeine or nicotine. All of this has been good for me, but I would still have the edge.  You’d have to be a diver to understand why I’ve been willing to put myself through the uncomfortableness of diving with a good chance of experiencing a panic attack.  Finally through working out my anti-depression medication (Effexor XR 37.5MG 3x/day) and 0.5 Xanax 2 times a day when diving, I’ve been able to enjoy already 6 dives with no anxiety or panic.  I’ve also been humming a Bahai saying, “Yabaha allah u abha” when I swim which immediately makes every dive almost a form of worship and I also think the fish enjoy hearing it too.

Last night we went on a night dive with a Master Diver who is not one of our favorites. We chose the Paradise Reef because we’d heard about all the sea life (including 8 seahorses) that our other dive friends had seen that day.  The Master Diver did say there would be fast moving current so we needed to stick together but a.) we had no idea it would be so fast moving and b.) we didn’t realize there was a big ole cruise ship docked at the nearby harbor.  On a night dive, I prefer not to have a really fast current because there is so much sea life to witness (like the little purple octopus changing to blue) that you really want to just hang around awhile and observe to see who comes out and what is going on.  It was a good dive in spite of all of us divers rolling on top of each other sometimes like a pile of puppies because of the strong current.  We’d been told that because the dive was shallow, we’d probably go as long as an hour but all of a sudden 37 minutes into the dive, the Master Diver was clanking on his tank and moving his flashlights for us to surface.  I saw big bright lights up above so I assumed the full moon had broken through the clouds.

We were soon to find out; however, that the fast moving currents had taken us about 5-10 feet from a big ole huge Carnival Cruise Line.  And through all of this I did not have any anxiety or panic attacks and was so looking forward to the dives this morning.

I’m outing myself about the medication that I am taking and how it is helping me because if there is another diver out there (or anyone who is experiencing anxiety or panic) I hope my experience/information can help you.  This is definitely NOT something to do without the help of a trained doctor (psychiatrist) and I have over 175 dives under my belt as well so I know all about safety and paying attention with diving.  Please don’t try to figure this out for yourself, do ask for help.

And may you enjoy diving as much as I do.  Today, I saw little tiny trunk fish that were about as long as half of my pinky. So worth the effort you put in so that you can get the most out of life!

reefs of Cozumel

Recently, I posted a comment about having had enough of the intensely hot and dry days we’ve been having for days on end in Texas and my friend Bob responded with, “I mean, there’s surrender and then there’s surrender”!!!!  And yet, I see the cardinals and other birds outside my window making the most of the precious water that I try to fill up some old dog bowls with so that they can drink and bathe.  I watched one bird this afternoon jump right into the middle of the smallest water bowl and swim back and forth and flutter her wings constantly—if birds could purr then this one was surely purring. Several of the little trees that David planted over the last two years are bright green from our frequent watering and somehow bearing the weight of the ferocious 107 degree heat.

I’ve experienced various forms of surrender in my life from surrendering to the fact that my parents were indeed getting a divorce and then surrendering to the fact that they would never get back together again.  Then there was the surrender and acceptance to the understanding that I process alcoholic refreshments and sugary foods much different than the average bear.  In all of these instances, surrender never came easy for me and acceptance only came after I was able to remove my last pinky finger muscle of control from whatever I did not want to accept as reality.  I suppose in a way I have surrendered to the fact that we’re in a record breaking drought and heat wave and most of the time I can accept it and then do what I can–such as watering the plants and animals.  But sometimes I do get caught in the grip of retaliation at what???  There’s really not a person or a group that I can direct my anger about the drought and heat at unless I wanted to believe some of the conspiracies I’ve heard out there such as a government entity is controlling/messing around with our weather. Even then, I still would be powerless over such a group.  I can’t really direct my anger at the sun because it’s just hanging out there being the sun like it has for millions of years now (I’d be like a tiny ant shaking her fist up at a huge magnifying glass). So what I end up bucking up against is that invisible invincible wall of denial of what is really going on.  Sometimes it’s easier just to crash on over to the side of unreality than it is to accept what “is”

Then again, I know that it is in times like this when our faces our being smashed up into a sheer wall of an overbearing reality that some incredible inventions, discoveries and ideas are created. When it seems like there is no way out then someone figures a way out that no one had ever considered or seen.  So were those people able to do so because they first accepted the reality of what was and then were able to back away from it to see what could be done about it or did they not surrender and give up?  I believe that it was after surrender and acceptance that other options could be seen and considered because the energy moves from being a push push push push push against something that you don’t care to understand or deal with into an energy of flow.

What about you?  What have you surrendered to lately?

Surrender

Turns out there are a lot of people who think they can talk with angels and do!!  One of those people, who I believe is the “real deal” is Angel Therapy Practitioner Margo Mastromarchi. Margo was certified as an ATP by another “real deal” Angel person that you may have heard of, Doreen Virtue Ph.D.  Now for some of you who read my blogs on a regular basis, I realize that the title of this blog containing the word “angel” may have told you that this one isn’t for you—-so this blog isn’t for you—it’s  for all the rest of us!

I interviewed Margo today on Blog Talk Radio’s Hope42Day which you can hear by clicking on the link of the show’s name.   I was introduced to Margo by our mutual friend best-selling author and soul writer/speaker/teacher Janet Conner.  Janet teaches great  teleclass series offering deep soul writing teachings and in one of these classes, Janet offered each of the student’s (as part of the class) an individual session with Margo Mastromarchi.  I’ve met a lot of people in my life who are at various levels of spiritual and energetic exploration but within the first five minutes of talking with Margo on the phone I could feel that she was authentic.  In fact, while interviewing her on Hope42Day, I felt like I had taken the proverbial blue and red pill and was floating about five feet off of the ground. Margo’s a Reikki practitioner as well.

One of the bits of wisdom that Margo shared is that we all have guardian angels who are here to help us. All of us do.  Some of us “hear” our angels in different ways.  She said that angels will repeat themselves and so if you notice yourself getting the same idea over and over again to sit with it and see how it feels to take one small step towards it.  Of course, you know that the dark side of my brain was saying, “oh this is nice, but what if that’s the obsessive compulsive side of my brain?!??!  huh Margo, what about that??!” Well, here is what I’ve figured out for myself.  I’ve gotten very quiet guidance before to drive in a certain direction or talk with a certain person and when heeded, that guidance has never led me wrong. I’ve also gotten very direct and abrupt guidance such as “look up!” when I’m looking at my phone and about to run off the road.  But I’ve also asked the angels to give me direction so they do all the time.  Margo says that because we humans operate under free will, the angels will not interfere with us unless asked.  When the manic part of my brain is operating the feeling is that “I’ve gotta gotta do something or gotta gotta say something”.  I know then that “ain’t no angel talking”–at least none that I’d care to entertain.

All I know is that I am a sucker for Divine love.  Even during the typing up of the show script, I felt the angels coming through and an incredible warm peace taking over. That warm peace feels to me like Divine love but so does a very high energy that feels it can vibrate the whole room around me if I let it.  There’s a difference between that kind of high vibrational energy and mania.  The core of it is grounded is the best way I know how to describe it.  When your manic there is an edge to it and a brittleness. When you are feeling energy from the Divine, it is a natural healing energy that fits right into your being….just bringing the volume up on your energy.

One of the reasons I chose to become a Life Coach was because I loved engaging that Divine energy into helping others connect with it.  I gave up the day in and day out corporate life because I was someone who could get so distracted by the illusion of importance we humans tend to make up about our careers/jobs and the work world in general.  I used to be so right there in the thick of it. Which isn’t a bad thing but it isn’t a good thing either. It just was an “is” thing for me that I had to pay attention to and heed the guidance I was being given to find other ways of contributing to the world where I could truly make a difference without harming myself and others in the process.  Having a highly competitive attribute in my personality when run strictly by my ego, it can become a harmful thing.  Thank goodness there are people in this world who can be of the world but not in the world and run companies, like my friend, best-selling author/speaker/leader and CEO of Idea Champions, Mitch Ditkoff.  Our world sure could use more leaders of Mitch’s nature.

Anyway, the message I’d like to leave with you is that if you want to talk with angels, you can.  You  can.  Just you, right now in the privacy of your own home, office, car.  Just ask.  And listen for what answers you receive. You just may be pleasantly surprised.

Angel Wings

This morning while talking with  my mentor and swinging on the bench on the back deck, I looked up to see the buzzards who live in our hood taking off in a gangly looking flight catching the air streams and soaring.  If they had been kids and the air had been water, they would have been sliding.  I swear they took turns catching currents, riding them out and following each other to the next higher slip streams  above.  At some point I stopped watching them fly and didn’t look up again until 20 minutes later. You could barely make out the buzzards soaring above because they had gotten so high up that they looked like little specks of burnt paper floating away in the wind.

I asked some of my friends who partake of sailplanes and gliders how high they’ve seen buzzards fly and from what I could put together, evidently they can fly to amazing elevations. One of my friends said that when the buzzards are soaring like that, it means they’re are some good air streams for the sail planes to find.  I also looked up Buzzard Animal Medicine, but I’m not so happy with what I could find because it all seemed to focus on death and buzzards being harbingers of death; however in the ancient Egyptian times buzzards were seen as beings of divination.  It is true that buzzards are carrion and do not kill but rather eat the carcasses of dead animals; however after watching them soar like they did today, I have to find the beauty in what their medicine represents.  In many of the intuitive and astrological readings of what Planet Earth is going through right now in terms of our spiritual growth,  many of the ones that I respect and follow talk about us birthing into a new era and that during this course in time there may be many people leaving Earth (dying) because they have done what they needed to do here.

I’d much prefer to look at the Buzzards as reminding that the old ways (me/you/us) of doing things are falling away and the new ways (me/you/us) of doing things are being born and more than that, for us to take flight and soar into these new realms of being.

How about you? Where have you found beauty lately in the most unexpected places?

The old me would be telling you that my husband “owed me big time” because I deigned to accompany him to a “Wealth Builders” meeting tonight to listen and learn about investments from people who have been investing and succeeding for many years now.  The new me will tell you that although 1/10th of what was said made it into my pea brain for further gestation, I’m glad I went.  I saw old friends who I haven’t seen in a long time, from work and outside of work, as well as  some new words and concepts which made it into my brain for further investigation.

When you consider that the subject of finance and investing is probably the last box that I’ll ever check on any questionnaire about my interests, I’m glad that I was willing to show support to my husband about something he is interested in by going with him and listening.  I do know the difference between a Bear market (on the down trend) and a Bull market (on the up trend) and that gold is a very good thing to invest in right now, but that is about the limit of my understanding of what seems to me to be a very complex subject.  Now, what does intrigue me is the psychology and sociology of our western culture (as well as other cultures) and how the affect it has on the market.  Human thinking and feeling is something I can sink my teeth into.

The good thing about stepping out of your comfort zone and learning something new, like I did this evening, is that I can always find some place/thought/idea that I understand (human psychology) and find a meeting ground with the new subject (finance and investing) that can keep my interest long enough to be curious about why certain actions have been taken and to want to understand how/when/who took what action as well as their impact.  When we expose ourselves to new arenas for learning, we enrich the areas that we already know and keep that  rich soil for our ideas moving and accepting of nutrients instead of packing down into dense, stale, non-absorbent ground.

Now, will I begin voraciously reading books and sites on investing?  I don’t think so, but I will probably go to next Month’s meeting to let more new ideas sift in.

What about you?  Where can you step out of your comfort zone and learn something new?   What will it be?  When?